There's nothing quite as healing as the open road..
I didn't take as many photos as I intended to on this trip- I was too caught up in each and every moment. What began as an inclination to do a sunrise photoshoot in Golden turned into a spontaneous trip to Utah.
"Maybe I'll just keep driving...to Breck....to the valley...to Moab."
I used my time driving to dive into an inner monologue about my feelings, my past relationships, my life path, and the lessons I've learned so far. In the 3 hours it took me to get from Glenwood to Moab- I gained more clarity than I've known all year. It wasn't until I allowed myself to feel my broken heart in its entirety and in concentration that I could truly understand how to fully heal.
Once to the dessert I wrote this poem;
She crooned under the cool lit Bermuda moon
Energy entwined "he is your soulmate"
So when the date came, that I saw your face
I knew; nothing would ever be the same
I ordered a ginger whiskey, because we both knew this wasn't going to be neat. Rather we were inclined to be messy, and for the road to be bumpy
And this path, as it is winding
I'm not sure where it goes,
but for the first time
I am content and not knowing
Rather allowing the universe to keep showing me each lesson in perfect timing
And I walk through it all
trying to make sense with this rhyming
Isn't that so cliché?
And it is also to say,
The love we shared,
will never leave me.
I learned that the greatest amount of suffering comes from suppression.
There are so many feelings that make absolutely no logical sense....When the brain encounters an emotion, feeling or thought that had proven to be negative....it is avoided. That's why when we are in pain we will find anything to distract ourselves. Throwing oneself into a relationship or work is one of the most common distractions for the brain.
For me....any time my PTSD panic set in, instead of crying for hours on end (as I spent months doing.) I distracted myself with adventure. Partially because I wanted to prove to myself that I can take care of myself on my own. But also- to be far away was its own kind of escape. On my drive to Moab I realized I had gone this many miles just to avoid the burning feeling in my soul...the lingering energies that I am still entwined with.
As I drove into the dessert horizon, I cried. I cried for the love I gave to people who abused me.
I cried for all the reasons that led me to such dark circumstances.
I cried for my lost innocence and lack of trust.
I cried for the future that died along with the love we shared.
Suddenly....it wasn't sad anymore.
Once I felt it and I mean really felt it....I saw each event in perfect sequence and timing with everything else.
If I can survive the tragedies I have faced and still end up somewhere so beautiful....then I have complete trust in the Universe to bring me exactly what I need at the time when it will work out best in my life.
I realized all the love I thoughtI lost is still a part of me....it's just that now it has transmuted into a rustic and fine understanding of life and love.
For me, this trip was all about discovering my true heart and falling in love with the pain I have felt. Today I take solace in the path behind me and have nothing but gratitude and bright eyes for the future.